


Every Bullet

by StaleAssBreadCrumbs



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Brotherhood, Comfort, Friendship, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-16 23:10:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2287940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StaleAssBreadCrumbs/pseuds/StaleAssBreadCrumbs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chibs pays a visit to Juice's house on the night when everything came crashing down, but he realizes he may need more than just a simple checkup.<br/>SEASON 1-6 SPOILERS</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Bullet

**Author's Note:**

> "Don't let him kill me... Please don't let him kill me... Please," he sobbed.  
> They were coming up the driveway.  
> ONCE YOU'RE PATCHED, THE MEMBERS ARE YOUR FAMILY. THIS CHARTER IS YOUR HOME.  
> "I won let em touch ya, Juicy Boy..."

"Juice?"  
The nearly old Scotsman shut the door behind him. The kid's bike was in the middle of the cold, concrete floor letting him know he must've been home. The garage was nearly pitch black, the only light being the little squares of grey from the moon shining through the small windows of the garage door. Rain tapped against the thin metal.  
"Juice?" he asked again.  
The door into the house was cracked open casting a stem of changing light on the floor.  
Chibs approached it cautiously. If he was sleeping, he didn't want to wake him. It was a simple check up, that was it. When he saw he was there and not doing something stupid, he would leave and that would be the end of it.  
He gently pushed open the door begging for it not to creak. Chibs stepped inside and gazed around the small home.  
It was clean, dingy, but clean. A dim light above the kitchen sink showed a few dirty dishes and a couple of clean ones out of their cabinets. Papers were strewn across the kitchen table and a chair was pushed to one side. Across the stained carpet, the living room was dark except for the light from the TV. Chibs walked over looking at the paid programming that always came on at 2 AM. Something about nail polish. Chibs snickered. He stood next to the couch watching the blonde lady display the products on the screen. When he reached over to grab the remote, he found Juice sound asleep on the couch curled up in a ball. He had kicked off his blanket and he gazed down at the thin light blue fabric just on the floor beside him. Chibs sighed calmly bending over and pulled the kid's grey boots carefully from his socked feet making sure not to wake him. A few cigarettes were jammed into the ash tray. Juice smoked, Chibs knew, but at the time being, he only smoked to relieve stress. He looked down at the young Puerto Rican watching the TV light flicker upon his body snuggled up in the pillows trying to keep warm. Chibs picked the blanket up off the floor and draped it over Juice; the kid clutched it in his hands and readjusting himself under it.  
It was time to leave.  
Juice was sleeping soundly, safe in his own home. But Chibs noticed something: as the TV strobed light upon the contours of his face, he found under his eyes were wet and little watery marks made lines down his cheeks and neck. A new tear had begun to form in the corner of his left eye. The tears were recent, Chibs saw. Silently, he inched forward bending over more to thumb at the new droplet beginning to trickle over his cheek bone. Juice stirred and the Scotsman retreated back to where he originally stood shuffling awkwardly while itching his nose as the young man's eyes blinked open. At first, he squinted against the light to see who was standing in front of him but once he saw it was Chibs, his eyes opened wide and he quickly sat up drying his face. Chibs glanced at the ash tray, the empty beer bottles, then back at teary eyed Juice.  
"Somethin' wrong, boyo?" he asked.  
Juice said nothing and shook his head.  
"Well, ya aren't just crying fer nothing," he said taking a seat next to him on the couch.  
"I wasn't crying," Juice breathed.  
His voice sounded like his nose was stuffed up. His eyes were blood shot and wet and his face was all red. Sure, he hadn't been crying.  
"Why don't ya tell me what's going on?"  
Juice stiffened his lip. "Why should I tell you?" he asked coldly.  
Chibs frowned and rested his elbows on his knees. He sighed heavily.  
"Bobby got ta ya?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"What've the boys been tellin ya? That they all don trust ya?"  
Juice sniffled.  
"Ya ever hear that from me in person, Juicy? Did I ever say I didn't trust ya?"  
Juice gulped as his gaze fell to stare straight through Chibs.  
"The way you hit me a while back sure made it seem that way."  
Chibs shook his head and looked down at his hands.  
"That was nothin... just had ta get some things off my chest. That didn't change anything."  
"Well for me it did," Juice cut him off, "you were there for me, man. You ALL used to be there for me... now what?"  
Chibs rubbed a hand over his face and took a deep breath searching for something to say. Juice was waiting patiently for a response sitting back comfortably but conversationally invested. Juice wanted to know. When the Scotsman said nothing, he decided to continue.  
"I screwed up. I REALLY screwed up. I know that. I didn't have to be pushed around and beaten down for months for me to realize that. I knew right then and there when I pulled that trigger that I fucked up. I should've never met with Roosevelt. But I did. And I screwed everyone over, especially myself. I should never help anyone because all I seem to do is fuck shit up! And just for a second, I thought maybe I could try to fix things but... but I couldn't..."  
Chibs's eyes were locked on the boy now.  
"And now, ties are cut. Bonds are broken. I've got nothing, man. This club was all I had and now no one even spits in my direction. Jax hates me. Bobby says I'm scaring everyone. And now Nero." Juice paused seeing the grave he had dug for himself.  
Chibs cocked his head.  
"Nero what?" he asked.  
Juice froze.  
"AT Nero's I meant. After clay died, I just... I just needed to... I don't know."  
Chibs was growing impatient of him beating around the bush like he always did when something was up.  
"Juice, it's fine. Just say it," Chibs pressed.  
A brief silence went on.  
"When Clay died, I just felt... I don't know. I mean, he was sorta there for me. I don't know what I was thinking, really, but I felt like shit. I got a little high--"  
Chibs raised an eyebrow.  
"Okay, a lot high. And Lyla was there and I...I took some stuff..."  
"Don't tell me ya tried somethin again," Chibs butted in.  
Juice bounced his head to either side wondering whether or not to tell him. He didn't care if Bobby was BSing about Chibs not trusting him, but he wasn't taking any chances on making it any worse if Bobby was telling the truth. He couldn't worry him like that.  
"No... Just ODed accidentally. I was high, man. I couldn't keep track of that shit, and I passed out, and then..."  
Juice found his story only looped back to what he had said about Nero.  
"Then?" Chibs asked leaning forward.  
Juice bit his lip tapping his fingers nervously on his thighs where they rested. He didn't know whether Chibs was aware of his confession to Nero, but he assumed he hadn't heard about it. It was why Jax wanted him dead now. Juice became uncomfortable and annoyed that he couldn't just tell Chibs. After all, he did still trust him; or at least, that's what the Scotsman had implied. For all he knew, he was recording their whole conversation and would play it back to the whole MC so they could vote him out or even worse. However, by this point, Juice knew what would be coming to him. He knew how things would play out. It really didn't matter if only Jax knew or the whole damn world knew: things would end up the same way and Juice in the same place. The young man held his breath.  
"You know how Jax told me to kill the kid's mom?" he asked.  
"Darvany?" the Scot inquired.  
"Yeah," Juice replied tightening his lips, pushing his lower jaw forward, flaring his nostrils, raising his eyebrows, like he always did when he talked.  
"Wha about it?"  
Juice looked away to watch the lady on the screen display a hot pink nail polish. So ugly. Who would ever want that?  
"I was so out of it, man. I... I accidentally said some shit..." he hesitated without making eye contact. His gaze fell to the coffee table and then back to Chibs's knees where his swollen eyes raked up the body of the vp until he could see his eyes, grey and cold, but listening.  
"It slipped out. I told him."  
Juice could feel tears begin to build up behind his eyes and his throat constricted. Chibs didn't seem phased, but he could tell he was still listening, thinking.  
"He's gonna KILL me, Chibs. Jax found out I gave him up."  
Juice's eyes were staring deep into Chibs's pupils hoping to find comfort or any means of sympathy in them. He wasn't expecting any sort of help from him though, nor anyone. He always told himself he didn't deserve it: not after what he'd done.  
But what he didn't know was that Chibs felt remorse for the poor kid.  
Ever since he started prospecting for SAMCRO, all he ever did was try his best. He always aimed for acceptance and earning someone's approval because he had NO FAMILY to give him that. When he found that people he was close to were pissed at him, he grew upset. Chibs knew that Juice hated to let people down. No friends. No family: SAMCRO was out of the picture. No other job, no girl, no life. Before all of the shit started happening, Chibs never saw any of that. Now that it was all that seemed to be apparent, he realized just how sad and empty the kid was. It pained him to even look at him, to see him about to CRY right in front of him made the man himself want to give him a hard hug to let him know it was going to be okay. Even Chibs knew that it would be lying, but he would do anything to keep his Juicy boy alive and breathing. No matter how much Jax and everyone else groaned about how sick and tired they were of him or how scared they were of him, Chibs could never bring himself to hate him. Juice was a direct result of the club, what their mistakes and decisions amounted to had become physically and mentally apparent in Juice. Juice WAS the club. The outcome of violence, of stupid bullshit rules and the manly guard they all kept up. There was never any time for sappy conversations and damn words of love: only punches in the shoulder or a firm pat on the back with nothing more than a faint smile. It'll keep someone going for a while, but not forever. Love is something you need to save you from yourself, not some romantic affection. Love is the thing that is supposed to keep you sane, to keep you functioning, something you can fall back on when things go south. It's not always kisses and hugs and shit, but hell, you NEED love, at least the kind where another person actually talks to you about what's going on so you don't have to bottle it up inside until you hang from a tree. All the dicks who think talking about their problems is a waste of time are just being a bunch of insecure bastards Chibs thought. Sure, maybe sometimes, the problem may not be that important. But if there is something absolutely breaking you down, you might as well pull a buddy aside and have a decent conversation about it before it kills your sorry ass.  
Juice was no longer Juice to anyone anymore: all they saw was the murderous, incompetent, lying, cowardly, pussy of a rat they had all made him out to be. But all Chibs saw was a sad, broken, and helpless boy who was only looking for a place to lay his burdens down. Just looking for a little hope, a smile, a "good job, Juice." Easy little things, yes, but Juice had found none of them. If only Jax had the heart to see that, if only ANYONE had the fucking integrity to help the poor kid out instead of hurt him.  
"Is that it?" Chibs asked finally breaking the long silence.  
Juice's eyes began to squint slightly. Chibs knew he was on the verge of tears.  
"No," he replied in a hush whisper.  
"Then what's the rest?"  
After a few quick hiccups, sobs erupted from Juice's throat causing him to sputter and then bury his face in the palms of his hands and cry. No more acting. Juice hurt and he couldn't hide it anymore, he needed to KNOW. Chibs put a heavy hand on his shoulder squeezing it gently.  
"What's the rest?" he asked a bit more gently.  
Juice shook his head trying to stop himself from crying feeling a bit ashamed and embarrassed Chibs had seen him crying again. He looked up at last showing his once again red, puffy eyes and tear stained face. He looked off to one side, the TV light gleaming in his tears that streamed down his cheeks. The young man closed his eyes and said something just barely above inaudible. Chibs's old ears hadn't heard, so he asked him to repeat it. Juice threw back his head frustrated with grief that he had to utter the most horrible words again. Chibs inched closer to him. Juice swallowed hard.  
"...I followed Gemma to Jax's house today..."  
Chibs looked him dead straight in the eyes as another tear leaked out of his left eye.  
"...She killed Tara, Chibs..."  
The Scotsman drew back quickly as his jaw dropped and his eyes bulged out of his head in disbelief.  
"I followed Roosevelt in. He was gonna call it in... And I shot him. He's dead too."  
Chibs was looking at Juice like he had just seen a ghost.  
"Yer shitting me..." Chibs's eyes were so big he thought they might just pop out of his skull.  
"No! I tried to cover Gemma as best as I could, man. I threw away shit with her prints."  
"Shit..." Chibs murmured.  
"What?" Juice asked.  
"Jax just went over there ta meet Patterson."  
Silence.  
Chibs could see the terror overcome Juice's face. The outlaw broke down into heavy sobs once more trying to stop and then crying all the more because he couldn't.  
"He's gonna kill me, Chibs. He gonna fucking take me out back and shoot me like a dog! I might as well just end it right now, man," he grieved.  
"Don say that," Chibs said quietly.  
"I don't know if I did everything right, I don't know how to cover up a fucking murder! He's gonna find out, Chibs. There's no way Jax is gonna blame Gemma for this, it's all me. Even if he takes out Gemma, he's gonna take me out next for trying to help her get away with it..." His voice trailed off and his bottom lip quivered even more, more tears rushing up to overflow out of the corners of his eyes. "Shit... Shit, shit...I'm dead... I am going to die... I'm gonna die..."  
Chibs suddenly saw something that made his heart constrict and his stomach clench. Something... something.  
He saw true emptiness.  
Juice was a shell. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He had nothing more in this world, no one, nothing. He had said it before, that he was alone, but never before had he seen it right before his eyes, to look right into the eyes of a man who had nothing to live for. On the outside, there was no family, no friends, no future, no help, no hope. And on the inside were broken promises, misery, grief, regret, anger, worry, horrible thoughts... Juice was so lost and broken that even if he were to die, Chibs didn't think he would have a ghost because there wasn't even anything to carry on. He had lost everything along the way. More pressure on the inside than on the outside, a balloon waiting to break open. One pin touch and it was over. And it really sucked. Juice had worked extremely hard to earn back everyone's trust and all that hard work had just gone to waste. All he wanted to do was help... just help. And all anyone had ever done to him was kick him and beat him back down to square one. Worthless. INNOCENT. Chibs wanted to help him now. He wanted to push everything out of the way, grab Juice out of his pit of darkness and drag him back to safety. But it was too late now. Too late. There was no hope anymore. Juice was right about what would happen to him and he wished he wasn't.  
"Yer not gonna die, Juicy boy. Yer gonna be right here with me," Chibs said softly.  
"I can't! He's gonna come and put a gun up to my head, he's gonna find me! Tonight even, he's gonna rip through that door and blow my brains out all over the damn floor! I didn't mean it! I never meant to do this! I never meant for anyone to get killed... I never... I never..." His voice was overrun by his sobs until he could no longer speak.  
Suddenly, Chibs pulled him in for an embrace. He felt cold. Not physically, but he himself felt...cold. Hollow. Broken. Chibs held him like a kid anyway and Juice clutched his cut tightly like a frightened child crying into his shirt.  
"He's not gonna kill ya... I'll make sure he doesn't touch ya, Juicy Boy," Chibs said rubbing his back soothingly.  
"I'm sorry... if I could tell everyone anything that meant something it's that I'm SORRY. Everyone that has ever taken the heat for me, I am SORRY. I want it all back, everything: every lie, every word, every bullet, but it's too late... And I'm so sorry..."  
As if saying sorry would help. Saying sorry would not bring anyone back from the dead. Saying sorry would not make the club forgive him. Sorry would not make anyone care about him. Sorry would do nothing. Chibs understood why he sometimes felt odd when saying it. It was only a word and could not always work miracles. As if sorry could change his own fate.  
"Jus stay here with me Juicy. I'll stay here all night if I have ta," Chibs kept saying. "If he comes anywhere near that door," Chibs pulled his gun from under his shirt and loaded it, "I'll shoot em. I swear I'll shoot em. I won let em touch ya. He won take ya..." Chibs's words were oddly hypnotic and strange, but the man of mayhem didn't take notice. All he did was cry.  
In these next moments, Juice went on mumbling and murmuring to himself crying about how he knew what was going to happen and how sorry he was and how he wished he could go back and fix it all, every bullet, every breath. And Chibs put his arms back around him, the gun in his right ready to use it when someone tried to hurt his Juicy Boy.  
Chibs was going through years of memories. Sitting at the bar having a drink, laughing, listening to a good story. He remembered when the boys had left him in the bushes on the ground in nothing but a diaper wearing an adoption sign after he ODed on some drugs and passed out. He remembered his smile, his laugh. The way his face would light up when he saw him, that time when he just ran up and hugged him tight like a little kid hugging his dad. Juice was so full of life then. To look at his face now... back then everything seemed so bright. Now, everything was dull, dirty, and dark. In that room even. Back then, the lights were on and now there they sat in the dark at rock bottom, everyone against everyone, everything gone to shit. Everyone had turned into monsters. Poor little Juice had even turned. What had he become...? And he cursed it. He wished he hadn't done that. He wished he hadn't thought about any of that at all.  
As Juice cried, he could just feel all his very self bleeding through his tears, with every sob and gasp for air, there went another glint of worth.  
Juice hadn't heard it, but Chibs had.  
Motorcycles were able to be heard in the distance.  
He looked down at Juice who had stopped murmuring. He only cried what he had left now.  
And for a moment, Chibs thought that Juice had heard the bikes and stopped, but only for a moment.  
"You were the only one who kept me alive, you know. I never thanked you for that," he said. Juice's bottom lip trembled. "...And I'm sorry I lied."  
"About what?" Chibs asked listening behind the walls.  
"Those pills I took WERE supposed to make it all stop... for once I thought I could just... just make it all stop. The suffering, everything. I'm sorry I went against what you said. You told me not to ever do it again but I did..."  
Engines turned off, voices were raised. Muffled by the walls of the house and the rain, he could hear Tig. Maybe Bobby. And, God help him, he heard Jax. He could not hear their words, only the tone of fury in the one's voice.  
"It's alright, Juicy. I forgive you."  
And that's when Juice clutched Chibs so tight out of relief and fear.  
"I promise, I'll never do it again, I swear. That was the last time," he sobbed. Suddenly, Juice shuddered at the sound of Jax's loud voice above the others outside. Chibs KNEW he had heard them this time feeling how Juice's body jumped in his arms.  
"Don't let him kill me... Please don't let him kill me... Please," he sobbed holding onto Chibs tightly. His last resort. If Chibs wasn't with him on this, then he truly DID have nothing left. Juice was pleading so hard in his head for the Scotsman to save him.  
"Please Chibs..."  
They were coming up the driveway.  
ONCE YOU'RE PATCHED, THE MEMBERS ARE YOUR FAMILY. THIS CHARTER IS YOUR HOME.  
"I won let em touch ya, Juicy Boy..." 

The cold metal touched the side of Juice's shaved head. 

The last thing the Scotsman saw before the room flashed white was the piercing terror in Juice's dark eyes as they flicked up to stare Chibs dead in the face.  
The sound made his ears ring.  
Juice's head hung to one side like an old stuffed animal and his arms released their embrace around the Scotsman's torso. Chibs could feel the warm liquid leak over his left hand and spill onto the couch and seep into his clothes. Chibs closed his eyes tight, tears streaming, and opened his mouth to stifle a scream. Before the boy could fall to one side, the Scotsman clutched his body ever so tightly, his gun dropping to the floor. He hugged him keeping him close trying to feel the last warmth fade from his body. Chibs put his chin on the lad's shoulder making Juice's head turn to one side against his chest, his blood soaking on every fabric. For the first time in a while, the vp let out terrible cries, hiccuping and gasping for air that wouldn't come. The tears fell to Juice's white shirt that was now sopping wet with his own blood. Chibs leaned his face up against the boy's head, his lips brushing his shaved hair. Then came the rock hard pounding on the front door and the infuriated voice of Jax Teller as he demanded that Juice come to the door. Chibs only held onto him tighter closing his eyes listening to Juice's silence past the pounding and the TV that had gone to static.  
"I won let em touch ya, Juicy Boy...  
...I won let em take ya..."


End file.
